How to support a grieving friend when you're far away

The worst feeling, when a good friend's father dies and you're in another country, is uselessness. Not being able to hug them, not being able to go to the funeral, not being able to bring food round. But supporting someone from a distance is possible — and it shows.

The first message

Don't delay it because you don't know what to say. Simple and sincere: “I've just heard. I'm so sorry about your dad. I'm here, whatever the hour.” And one thing more: don't oblige them to reply. Add “no need to answer this” and you'll have lifted a weight.

Gestures that cross the distance

• Be at the farewell, virtually. If there's an online memorial, leave your condolence and light a candle: your friend will see your name among those standing with them — and that is exactly what being present means.
• Send something physical: flowers to the funeral home, a food delivery that week, a paper letter afterwards.
• A short, frequent call beats one long, single call. “Five minutes to see how you're doing” is a gift that can be repeated.
• Remember the dates. Note down the anniversary. A year on, when everyone else has forgotten, your message will say: I haven't.

What doesn't help

• Disappearing out of embarrassment at having taken too long. Late is better than never, always.
• Turning the conversation into your own sorrow. You are the support; the grief is theirs.
• Promising impossible visits. Better one real gesture today than a grand plan that never comes.

When you can finally go

If you visit their city later on, suggest going to the cemetery together, or simply talking about the person. Months down the line, when nobody mentions them any more, someone asking after them is the greatest gift of all.