What to say (and what to avoid) to someone who is grieving

When someone close to us loses a loved one, many of us don't know what to say. For fear of getting it wrong, we sometimes say nothing at all — and that silence hurts more than any clumsy word ever could.

What genuinely helps

• Say the person's name. “I'm going to miss your dad so much” comforts far more than a generic “I'm sorry”.
• Offer specific help. Instead of “call me if you need anything”, try “I'll bring dinner round tomorrow” or “I'll do the school run this week”.
• Listen without correcting. If they cry, let them cry. If they need to tell the same story ten times, listen to it ten times.
• Check in again weeks later. Grief doesn't end with the funeral; the loneliness arrives just afterwards.

What's best avoided

• “I know how you feel.” Every grief is different; it's better to ask than to assume.
• “At least they're not suffering any more”, “they're in a better place”. This comforts some people and wounds others; use it only if you know their beliefs.
• “You have to be strong.” Nobody has to be anything. Crying is not weakness.
• “At least…” Any sentence that starts this way takes away rather than adds.

Gestures speak too

A short message, some flowers, lighting a candle on their memorial, turning up with a home-cooked meal… Real support shows itself in presence, not speeches. And if you're far away, a sincere message on the online memorial tells them that their loved one mattered to others too.