The five stages of grief, explained simply

Almost everyone has heard of the “five stages of grief” described by the psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. They are useful for putting a name to what we feel — as long as they're understood properly: they are not a ladder to be climbed rung by rung, but states that come and go.

The five stages

• Denial. “This can't be happening.” The mind cushions the blow in its own way; it's protection, not madness.
• Anger. At the doctors, at life, at ourselves, even at the person who has gone. It's uncomfortable, but it's part of the process.
• Bargaining. The “what ifs”: what if we'd gone to the doctor sooner, what if I had been there. Replaying the impossible is an attempt to regain control.
• Depression. The deep sorrow of taking in the reality. It isn't clinical depression in itself: it's the healthy response to an enormous loss.
• Acceptance. It doesn't mean being fine, or forgetting. It means learning to live with the absence.

What nobody tells you

The stages mix, repeat and follow no timetable. You can be at acceptance on Tuesday and back at anger on Wednesday, and both are normal. Comparing your grief with anyone else's only adds guilt.

When to seek help

If, months on, the pain stops you eating, sleeping or working, or thoughts of harming yourself appear, it's time to speak to a professional. Asking for help with grief is as sensible as putting a broken bone in plaster.

Rituals help

Visiting the grave, writing a letter, rereading the condolences on the memorial, lighting a candle on significant dates… Small rituals give the pain a place and a shape. And that, little by little, brings order within.