How to explain a grandparent's death to a child

We adults try to shield children from death, and often achieve the opposite: leaving them alone with their questions. Children understand more than we think, if we speak to them plainly and with love.

Clear words, not euphemisms

“He's gone to sleep”, “she's gone away” or “we've lost him” confuse children and can frighten them: some become afraid to fall asleep in case they never wake up. It's better to say it simply: “Grandad has died. His body stopped working and he isn't coming back, and that's why we're sad.”

Answer what they ask — and only that

Children pace themselves. They ask, they digest, and they come back with more questions days later. You don't need a complete speech; you need to be available. And if they ask something we don't know — “where is he now?” — we can answer honestly: “Some people believe one thing and some believe another. I believe that…”

Let them take part

• Whether or not to attend the funeral should be their choice, after explaining what they will see.
• They can draw a picture for Grandad, choose a photo for the memorial, or dictate a line for his obituary.
• Lighting a candle together on the online memorial each anniversary gives them a ritual of their own size.

It's fine for them to see us sad

Crying in front of a child doesn't traumatise them; it teaches them that sadness can be expressed and shared. “I'm sad because I loved Grandad very much” is a life lesson, not a burden.

Memory as comfort

In time, what comforts a child is being able to remember: looking at photos, hearing stories, knowing where they come from. A memorial that tells Grandad's life is a gift they will understand when they're older.