How to write a eulogy (words of farewell)

Speaking at the funeral of someone you love is an enormous honour and an equally large challenge. These guidelines will help you write words worthy of them.

A structure that works

• Who they were to you. “I'm Martha, his eldest granddaughter.” It places you for the listener.
• One specific story. Not a list of virtues: a scene. The afternoon he taught you to ride a bike says more than “he was generous”.
• What they leave us. What we learned, what we'll keep doing for them.
• A brief goodbye. A sentence spoken straight to the person: “Thank you for everything, Grandad. We'll look after the allotment.”

The tone

Sincere beats solemn. If the person was funny, a story that makes people smile is not disrespectful: it's a faithful portrait. You can cry and make people laugh in the same minute; the best eulogies do both.

Practical tricks

• Keep it short: two to five minutes. Write it out in full; don't improvise.
• Read it aloud beforehand, at least twice: you'll find out where your voice breaks.
• Take the paper with you. Nobody will judge you for reading; you will suffer if your mind goes blank.
• Arrange a stand-in. Agree with someone that they'll carry on reading if you can't finish. Knowing it's arranged is so reassuring that it's hardly ever needed.

After the funeral

Those words deserve to outlive the day. Publishing them on the online memorial lets family who couldn't travel read them, and keeps them beside the person's story for ever.