How to share the news of a death with family and friends

Breaking the news of a loved one's death is one of the first tasks after a bereavement, and one of the hardest. A little order helps you do it calmly.

The order of the calls

• Immediate family first, always by phone or in person. Nobody should learn of the death of their brother or their son from a text message.
• Then the close circle: best friends, lifelong colleagues. A brief call is enough: “I wanted you to hear it from me.”
• Finally, the wider circle: acquaintances, neighbours, former colleagues. Here a written message or a public notice really can help.

What to say

There's no need for long preambles, which only prolong the anguish of the person listening. Something simple works: “I'm ringing with sad news. Dad passed away in the early hours, peacefully and with us at his side. The funeral will be on Thursday.”

An online obituary as the central point

Repeating the same conversation fifty times is exhausting. Many families create an online obituary and share the link: it holds the details of the service, the person's story, and a place where everyone can leave their message of condolence in their own time. And those who live far away can stand with the family even if they can't make the funeral.

Don't do it all yourself

Dividing the calls by branch of the family — “you ring the cousins up north, I'll ring the ones back home” — shares the load and prevents anyone being forgotten. Nobody has to be the messenger for everything.